The doldrums of post exam life

Twirling after lunch at CPK.
Amin showing Susu and Suraya the bunny.

View of the Chicago Skyline from the restaurant.


A cat at the zoo.

Susu at her Spring Performance.


Since having finished my tests almost a month ago, I've been feeling rather listless, and without purpose. I guess its kind of a transitional time; I was studying for such a long time, it sort of defined me. Now, in addition to teaching, I am trying to write my proposal, but I just don't have the energy or drive. Whenever Sean talks to me about what I am going to write on (which is a source of great pleasure for him since he loves this stuff), I get stressed out. He's already made me a bibliography and bought me books (that I haven't cracked). Actually, I find myself wanting to stay as far away from the library as possible. And I've managed to do so, believe me. I don't think I've stepped foot in there. . . This stuff can really sap the life out of you. I suspect after a short period of time, I will feel revived.

At least these last few weeks have allowed me some time to finally meet up with friends and contemplate different friendships. Although I have managed to stay in touch over the phone, the "meet up times" always seem to get postponed (my fault). I was especially glad to meet up with two of my friends and kids downtown. There is just something to be said about meeting up with other mothers. The kids virtually disappear and they are happier with people their own age. The last two Fridays, I went to visit people, and the girls couldn't have been more content. These people remain great friends; through all of the changes that I've been through in the last year, they've not passed an ounce of judgment, and have been encouraging, wanting to meet my husband (and doing so). Its quite interesting to compare them to other more "fair weathered" friends who sort of go with the tide (when its against you, they aren't willing to associate with you, etc.). Luckily, I haven't had many "friends" act in such vain, immature ways, but one lame person comes to mind (who, I must admit, did nothing directly), someone with who I had been friends (albeit with some difficult moments) for some ten years, maybe twelve?

I haven't really gotten personal on this blog, so I guess I can allow myself this one moment of self-indulgent immaturity and venting?

On a similarly down-note, Suraya fell off of a stool and needed stitches in her head. I know I should be grateful, but it was the worst moment of my life. To see your child with blood coming down her face is horrible. Yes, I know there are worse things that could happen, and I thank God that relatively speaking, this was minor. I think the emotional impact was worse; I completely blamed myself (I had my back turned when it happened). The whole weekend after that happened was so dark, filled with self-loathing. I was mean to everyone around me. The doctors sewed up the cut pretty well, but at that moment, I just kept thinking about how precious these kids are, and if it was anything worse. . . It was all so horrible, as they sewed her up, they put this mask on her face, and she kept screaming from deep within, "I can't see mommy!!!!" The mask was obstructing her vision. Anyway, I kept moving the mask to show my face, and she would calm down just a bit. At one point, she was yelling, "I just want to go home and eat popcorn."

One of the few happy moment of the last few weeks was meeting Susu and Suraya's new cousin, Suzy, who looks like them. It is so cool to see Suraya holding this new little baby.

Around this house, nothing has been done. Spring cleaning sort of tapered off. Certain things just remain unfinished. We are trying to paint, but I am so scared I will pick the wrong colors and regret it. And the weather is so cold and irritating. I am waiting to get out and about.

Update: I wrote this last week, and things are much better now. I think it is the weather. Later, I am going to post some bunny pictures. Suraya loved the Easter bunny, and susu found the golden egg for the second year in a row.